“Winning is not everything, it’s the only thing.” — Vince Lombardi (1955)

We live in an increasingly ultra-competitive world. In the U.S., our children are trained from an early age not only about determination, discipline and persistence, but also about the uber-importance of winning in what is experienced as a lifelong zero-sum game. For example, schools foster competition in several ways: sports, tryouts for orchestra and plays, grades, and various competitions (science, history, debates, etc.)

Everywhere we look, we see the effects of this all-out competition. The price of winning has become excessively laden with violence in action and in words from those who lose. The notion of being a graceful winner seems to have been lost — at least, it is less present than ever, especially when we turn to local, national and international politics.

When competition becomes so important, it often results in (or derives from) what is known as a “zero-sum game.” This is any situation in which one person or group can win something only at the price of another person or group losing it.

But winning does not have to result in someone or some group losing. We live in a world where everyone loves and remembers a winner, and in short time people forget about who loses. Defeat is often felt to be humiliating, shameful, and embarrassing. Is it inevitable, or even necessary, that winning occur at such a price? When and where have we ever been systematically taught how to accept losing in these zero-sum activities with respect, admiration, care, and appreciation?

Growing up in the heart of New York City, under the shadow of the Empire State Building in midtown Manhattan, I, like millions of other children, participated in what I refer to as “the uniquely American phenomenon” of “choosing sides.” Always, the kids who were the best, biggest, and fastest were chosen first by the opposing captains of whatever activity or game was about to commence. And, like countless others both before and after me, I experienced the humiliation of occasionally being picked last. The game hadn’t yet even begun, but I had already lost!

Being last in a public setting among one’s peers is the ultimate embarrassment, a cause for feeling ashamed and incompetent, and ultimately affecting one’s self-confidence. It is no wonder, then, that many children get so turned off by the choosing sides phenomenon and no longer want to play or engage in win/lose activities. This is often a self-perpetuating experience throughout one’s lifetime.

In the end, winning does not have to always be about someone up, another person down. Life does not have to boil down only to “either/or” situations. I think about that favorite childhood game, “musical chairs,” wherein everyone wants to survive at all costs, and not be the one to be eliminated without a chair. What does that game teach us, as an example of interpersonal play and engagement?

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My observation and experience tell me that in that moment, life becomes all about cutting corners, manipulating the situation subtly yet in a determined manner, even cheating — whether it is about either winning or not losing. As a metaphor for lifelong growth and development, these are clearly not the behaviors nor the morals we want to see in the coming generation.

In time, the omnipotence of winning over losing hardens, and we slowly become inured to the emotions and effects of being and/or being seen as a “loser.” Getting beat at something often brings out the worst in us: Witness the 2020 U.S. presidential election.

Politics on all levels is guilty of bringing out the worst but so is sport, job searching, romance/finding a partner, education (grades), along with virtually all other skill-building activities in daily life. The win/lose bifurcation makes many want to drop out altogether from interpersonal endeavors, even those that enhance our skill sets, creativity, socialization and relational awareness, and even our cognitive and mental health.

The American author and lecturer Alfie Kohn wrote a book many years ago titled “No Contest: The Case Against Competition.” To date, this book stands as the definitive critique of competition. Contrary to accepted wisdom, competition is not basic to human nature; it poisons our relationships and holds us back from doing our best. Kohn persuasively argues that the race to win turns us all into losers.

To win in life, one does not necessarily have to beat others. There do not have to be losers in every life situation. We can learn to compete with ourselves, living the U.S. Army mantra, “Be all you can be.” We can win simply by being and showing our best selves in public as well as in our relationships.

I believe this is what is meant by the term “a winning personality.” It is also easily possible to “win with and among others” by turning the very nature of interpersonal competition on its side.

An example of this occurs when I go bowling with a group of friends. Instead of trying to score the highest, I suggest beforehand that we each secretly guesstimate what our collective score will be. While competitive, it becomes fun — all are striving to achieve a collective goal. Even if I don’t come close to “winning” that guesstimation, in the end I feel I have won because we have all played our best, and that adds up to a positive and synergistic experience.

This is but one tiny example of the ways we can minimize the duality of win/lose and turn life experiences into win/win. In so doing, we achieve a psychic, spiritual, interpersonal victory, without any losers!

Daniel Cantor Yalowitz writes a regular column in the Recorder. A developmental and intercultural psychologist, he has facilitated change in many organizations and communities around the world. He is former chairman of the Greenfield Human Rights Commission and his two most recent books are “Journeying with Your Archetypes” and “Reflections on the Nature of Friendship.” Reach out to him at danielcyalowitz@gmail.com.