World’s worst comedian

  • President Donald Trump gives a thumbs-up to the crowd at the BOK Center after his first re-election rally in Tulsa, Okla., June 20. STEPHEN PINGRY/TULSA WORLD VIA AP

Published: 6/30/2020 8:14:24 AM

We can now add to the list of President Prescient’s skills, “World’s Worst Comedian.”

At his failed gathering of the clan in Tulsa this past weekend (Capacity: 19,000 — Attendance: 6,200. I’m guessing he didn’t see that coming?) amidst his many self-pitying, perpetual-victimhood grievances, he came up with this knee-slapper referring to the rising number of diagnosed COVID-19 cases, “Here’s the bad part. When you do testing to that extent, you’re going to find more cases. So I said to my people, ‘Slow the testing down.’ They test and they test.”

As the wave of Trump’s tsunami of stupidity crested on the Sunday political shows the following day, White House adviser and elephant cage cleanup man, Peter Navarro, told CNN’s “State of the Union” that Trump’s remark was “tongue-in-cheek.” Ba-da-boom.

This example of Trump’s wacky sense of humor must be a particular favorite of his, as he’s made this hilarious pronouncement repeatedly in the past few weeks in his attempts to fantasize away his failed attempts at dealing with the coronavirus. Oddly enough, COVID-19 doesn’t seem to share the President’s laughable take on a global pandemic in which the U.S., under his disabled leadership, leads the world. It just keeps on spreading and spreading. MAGA, indeed. More like MACA – “Make America Contagious Again! – Trump 2020!”

So, he was kidding? Who are they kidding? Trump is exactly this unschooled in all matters, including epidemiology, despite his mystical understanding of medicine because “Dr. Uncle at MIT” or some other utter nonsense. (Who needs medical school when knowledge can be magically transferred through bloodlines or telephone lines or family gatherings, or something?) Remember that howler, when he was doing stand-up at the CDC a few weeks back? Oh, what a kidder our little Trumpalah is!

I eagerly await his toadies and sycophant’s application of the president’s, uh, “unique” approach to solving any number of other crises through the application of this breakthrough non-testing technique. Teenage pregnancies? STOP TESTING! Voila, no more unwanted babies, just lots more BUO’s – Babies of Unknown Origin.

Lead in the water? STOP TESTING! No more lead, just healthy, hearty, sparkling industrial contamination, failing lead pipes and political indifference. Oh, and a lot of sick kids, because of … who knows? Liberal mobs?

Failing in the polls? STOP TESTING! Just keep pushing the “Most beautiful, strongly big inauguration crowd in history because I’m the bestest since Lincoln!” and, just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, if you click your heels three times it will magically be true!

There’s just one area I think the Lenny Bruce of presidents would approve of more testing – slippery summertime ramps! This nationwide scourge, this burgeoning public health hazard, must be brought under control before someone gets caught on camera, I mean hurt, rappelling/shuffling down one of them. These (oxymoron alert) “long and steep” ramps must be hunted down and de-iced before we suffer any more military casualties. Oh, the humanity, as our military hospitals overflow with these preventable ramp casualties! I hope Commander-in-Chief Bone Spurs gets on this right away – as soon as Seal Team Six rescues him from the latest ramp attack.

These lubricious ramps do serve one purpose though – they distract from the mysterious appearance of super-heavy water glasses, so ponderous, so inexplicably bulbous, so mysteriously and invisibly engorged with mass that they can’t be raised to the lips with one hand. “Are you mad? Who cares about 20-pound water glasses when we have a plague of lubricated wheelchair ramps being visited upon us? Probably the work of ANTIFA! And, and … Joe Biden! Where’s that Burisma report!!?? Take my wife – please!”

Then again, maybe he was just kidding about the ramps? Hard to tell with this wag-the-dog of a president, this Rodney Dangerfield of politicians, and a man who truly shouldn’t get any respect.

(Oh, and if you found this offensive, no worries. It was all tongue-in-cheek! Ba-da-boom.)

So as the political season ramps up, don’t forget to vote this fall, and please remember to tip the waitress on your way out of the comedy club. I mean rally.

Gary Greene is a resident of Greenfield.

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