Gerry and I like to read cemetery epitaphs, especially old ones, and when we were in Alaska we read one with a good message that has stayed with us. It sounds a bit gruesome, but it made me reflect on it in a deeper way than just life and death.

Where you are, I was.

Where I am, you will be.

The message in that epitaph came back to me recently when I was visiting with an old friend who was a social worker. She worked with elderly folks who were living in their own homes but needed some support. She helped them obtain services to meet their needs, and she checked in on them regularly. She was their advocate and she loved her work. (It’s wonderful to have a job that is satisfying. It’s feels good to do something that helps others and makes a difference in their lives.)

She applauds the kids who give wonderful loving support to their aging parents, and there are many of them who do that. However, a lot of her work was with elderly who didn’t get loving support, so as much as the job was fulfilling for her, it also was upsetting. It made her aware of how many elderly people are neglected or taken advantage of, and it’s usually by their own children — kids who don’t provide the support their parents need, or those who take advantage of their parents’ money.

If those children could just think about this cemetery engraving and realize that they too will be facing similar challenges when they are old that their elderly parents are facing today. It’s a loving and caring attribute for people who can put themselves “in another person’s shoes.” A person who does that not only brings happiness to the elderly parent, but also models to their own children how to treat parents when they grow old, and in the end they will benefit from their caregiving.

I’m reminded of the old saying: “What goes around, comes around.”

There also is a reverse side to this epitaph. So often we grandparents look at our young folks and criticize their behavior, clothing, music, etc. We have to remember back about some of the things we did when we were young and our elders thought we were crazy.

I remember back in the 1950s when my grandmother complained that I wasn’t ladylike playing basketball or baseball and sometimes even football with my brothers and their friends. Those were boys’ activities. She wanted me to spend my time knitting and sewing.

And, oh my, when I first wore pants! She always wore a dress, never that inappropriate pants fashion. Then there was a fad to wear our cardigan sweaters backwards, and a favorite jewelry was dog collars around our ankles. She thought I looked ridiculous.

I loved to dance the jitterbug, she danced to proper waltz music, fox trot, and square dances. On Sundays, she wouldn’t dance, sew, or play games. It was a day of going to church, resting and visiting with friends. Then, when the stores opened on Sundays and events were held that day, she asked, “What is the world coming to?”

There are cultural changes with each generation. We all think the way of life during our own growing-up time was the best way to live. We all have to realize that change is one thing we can’t stop.

When young folks are interacting with their elders, they need to put themselves in their shoes and remember the wise message engraved on that tombstone, “Where I am, you will be.” We old folks must remember when we look at what our grandchildren are doing, “Where you are, I was.”

Carole Gariepy lives in Phillipston.

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