Series of ‘Death Cafes’ prompt tough talks in Greenfield

By MARY BYRNE

Staff Writer

Published: 04-07-2023 5:26 PM

GREENFIELD — In a society “loath to talk about death,” one group is hoping to create an environment where others feel safe to do so.

“We fear what we don’t know and then we ‘other’ it and we demonize it,” said Greenfield resident Becca King, an organizer of the upcoming Death Café series that is hosted by the Interfaith Council of Franklin County. “I think it’s because we don’t know it yet.”

Death Cafés, which are hosted around the world, are group-directed discussions on death, King explained. Tea and cake are provided.

“The idea of a Death Café is that people come, and they come with whatever is on their mind,” she said. “Some people may be thinking about planning. … What do I need to have on paper in legal terms? Do I need a health care proxy? Do I need a living will?”

King encourages people of all ages and stages in life to attend.

“The Death Café is open to people of all ages, not just people like me who are in their 80s or even 90s ... who are looking at their own end of life, but people who are wanting to learn more about, ‘How do I help my parents or my family members, or even my grandparents, to have a good ending, a good passage?’”

The plan for the upcoming series, which kicks off on Monday at 7 p.m., came together after King met with Kate Mason and Sue Bowman of the Interfaith Council at a class at Franklin County’s YMCA. Mason and Bowman were in the process of organizing the café, she said.

“It often seems as if we want to keep death a secret,” said Bowman. “The one and only thing we can say for certain about our lives is this: we’re going to die.”

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Mason added that after retiring from her work as a hospice nurse, she began searching for ways to make the conversation about death and dying “more available” to people.

“Every time I’ve participated or organized one, folks express such different experiences,” she said. “I heard that lots of folks are very fearful of the dying process, but as a hospice nurse I saw mostly peace, beauty and huge sadness.”

King said she has always been comfortable accompanying friends and family members — and anyone else that reaches out — who are dying. She said the most important thing to remember in those situations is to meet the person where they are at.

“I feel that it’s a great privilege to be present with someone who is dying. … It’s a bit like childbirth, I think,” she said. “I’ve been present for births and had some myself, but it’s also a passage; it’s a transition time. There’s a lot of mystery and not knowing attached to it but there’s also a sense of release.”

While the Death Café is an opportunity to better understand many of the planning and logistical elements of dying, it’s also a place for becoming more accepting of its inevitability.

“My own belief is that death is the death of the body and is the last kind of death that we have,” she said. “But during life, we have little deaths all the time, little ways that something changes and we experience loss, and then we experience growth.”

We experience “death” when we graduate high school or lose a job or relationship, she said, and those life changes often result in a change of direction.

“I’ve had several experiences of that myself and I think that leads me to believe that death is just another door, and who knows what’s after it,” King said.

King said after Monday’s Death Café, which will be held at the Second Congregational Church on Court Square in Greenfield, the organizing committee expects to host three more cafes in May, June and July. Cafes will focus on the themes of readiness, respect and remembering.

Cafes are confidential and participants are expected to abide by a list of rules that aim to encourage respect between one another.

“The Death Café is a very safe place for people to come into,” she said. “What everybody says is considered sacred and worthy of being understood.”

Reporter Mary Byrne can be reached at mbyrne@recorder.com or 413-930-4429. Twitter: @MaryEByrne.

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