Thank you for choosing Green-Jet on this lovely Tuesday morning. We will begin pre-boarding for Flight 474 to Dallas just as soon as I gain the attention of passengers wearing headphones and earbuds. For all others,please excuse the volume of the following announcement: LISTEN UP! WE NEED EVERYONE TO LISTEN UP NOW!

We request all passengers check your boarding passes and memorize your seat assignments. Green-Jet strives for efficiency and our studies show that passengers who know their assignments by heart tend to be faster and more organized when boarding.

At this time we kindly invite all passengers needing special assistance to rise and remain at your current locations. You may indicate the nature of your special need by using the following signals: physical — index finger touching nose; psychological — 10 fingertips on forehead; spiritual — two thumbs on “third eye.” If you have anger issues, please approach the Information Desk and ask for either Bulldog Betty or The Violator.

Next, we invite those of you in labor or who anticipate going into labor during the flight to form a line on the blue-and-pink striped masking tape in front of the Wide-Green sign. Spouses or partners may accompany you and form a separate, parallel line, just to your left.

We are pleased to welcome Green-Jet’s loyal Greenback fliers to line up at the far right of the Information Desk, followed, in this order, by our Even More Space, Even a Bit More Space, Somewhat Sufficient Space, A Tad More Legroom, and I’ll Be Happy If I Can Wiggle My Toes passengers.

It is always a pleasure to invite our veterans, veterinarians, Go-Green vegetarians, as well as members of the armed, social, and National Parks services to stand and take your places behind the spouses and partners, leaving, if you will, adequate space for those fliers traveling with infants and children under the age of 28 months, who should remain seated.

We now ask those of you who have recently ingested beans, lentils, asparagus, broccoli, or foods containing fructose or lactose to congregate 25 yards southwest of the Wide-Green sign, in the area we refer to as The Flats. Further instructions will follow.

Lapsed Catholics, along with disillusioned Republicans and Libertarians, may now line up to the left of our valued Greenback passengers. Next, we invite those of you who chose our Even Less Space and Much Less Space cost-saving options, as well as travelers under 110 pounds but not taller than 5-foot-4 and between the ages of 27 and 54, to prepare to board when called.

If you have been waiting patiently with infants and young children and still choose to embark on this 3½-hour flight, you may now line up to the rear of the spouse and partners, just in front of the Go-Green vegetarians.

Would all remaining passengers flying to Dallas on this sunny morning please rise. It is time for Green-Jet’s Meet & Greet, a lively, interactive activity which will complete Phase 1 of our pre-boarding experience. At the count of three, we ask you, along with those in the Flats who feel ready and able to participate, to try to form a line in alphabetical order by last names. The line should form just to the right of the lapsed Catholics. As an extra, Green-Jet Fun Challenge, please perform this friendship-building activity without talking or mouthing of words. Let’s see if we can break the Green-Jet record time of 47 seconds for this event. Ready … Go!

Terrific! Sixty-nine seconds places you in the — let’s see — 74th percentile of all passengers who have flown to Dallas in the last 12 months. We thank you for your cooperative, can-do spirit. And now, on to Phase 2!

During this Green With Envy phase, if you are dissatisfied with your current seat assignments or with your place in line, you will be allotted four minutes to wheel, deal, trade and barter with fellow travelers. Green-Jet strongly discourages physical altercations or any behavior likely to cause heart palpitations or arrhythmias, as medical personnel are not, repeat, not available for assistance. In case of emergencies, bandages are for sale at the Information Desk.

Phase 2 begins now!

Five, four, three, two, one — Stop! Excellent job. Please re-form your lines. Even Less Space passengers should be aware of what appears to be a small pool of blood in your designated area.

Congratulations! You have completed the pre-boarding process. And we are happy to report that Flight 823 from Phoenix is now taxiing to the gate. Once passengers deplane and maintenance crews complete their work, Flight 474 will be ready for boarding. When the time comes, mostly likely within the hour, we will explain in full our boarding procedure.

We know you have many airline options. Thank you for choosing Green-Jet.

Gene Stamell of Leverett has had his share of frustrating boarding experiences. He can be reached at gstamell@gmail.com.

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