I need a new cellphone. My iPhone 8 is more than just six generations old; it is cracked and crotchety, begging to be replaced. And, unfortunately, I am wedded to purchasing iPhones. I have used Apple products, exclusively, throughout my computer/digital life, and I’m too old and lazy to switch.

So it comes down to when to take the plunge and how much I’m willing to spend. In this regard, I am quite fortunate, for I have insider knowledge as to Apple’s unannounced plans regarding its future cellphone production. (I am not at liberty to divulge or discuss in any way the source of my information. I will simply state that you, gentle readers, are about to become the only people, besides myself, in possession of this highly valuable information. I trust you to keep it among yourselves.) Here it is:

One June 1, Apple will release the iPhone 15. This model will be much like iPhone 14, but with more color choices, along with enhanced clarity and sound. After this release (be prepared to have your minds blown!) Apple will release a new model every week. Every week!

Yes, on June 8, iPhone 16 will make its debut; on June 15, iPhone 17; on June 22, iPhone 18. The weekly production of new generations of phones will continue (get this) for a minimum of 30 weeks, at which point the company will reevaluate its production schedule.

By July — remember, this is just between us — Apple plans to hire 20,000 new, highly qualified employees, to be trained in the advanced technology required to create iPhones 20-29. For example, iPhone 20 (release day July 6, 2023), will include an expandable 7-inch screen with 3-D capacity.

Three weeks later, on July 27, iPhone 23 will be equipped with iBeamEnter technology, capable of transporting the user into any livestreamed event, anywhere in the world, although iBeamExit is still in development. Beam me into a Springsteen concert and I’ll find my own way back to reality.

Jumping ahead four weeks, on Aug. 24, 2023, Apple will release iPhone 27, the first cellphone to be produced without a screen. iNoScreen will include a computer chip, 2.4 millimeters in diameter, that may be implanted just behind the ear (user’s choice, right or left). The user will externally control the chip, which will relay messages to both the temporal and occipital lobes of the brain, bringing to life, internally, sounds and sights we currently view and hear outside our bodies.

Chip implant surgery is expected to be performed as an outpatient procedure, the cost of which may or may not be covered by the cellphone provider, depending on the user’s choice of plan.

On Sept 14, 2023, Apple “hopes” (my source’s word) to unveil its iThink technology. IPhone 30 will not resemble a phone as we know it. In fact, the “phone” will, instead, consist of a series of ganglia connecting the previously implanted computer  chip to various locations of the cerebral cortex. The user will simply need to ingest an iTablet, included with purchase of the “phone.”

The iTablet will release iDroplets, programmed to create the required ganglia and to direct them, using iSense technology, to the embedded chips. All of this will happen in a matter of seconds. The iThink User Manual (also included at no additional cost) will certainly come in handy, but, in a nutshell, this will be a “think and you shall receive” device, if device is the proper word for a nonphysical object.

So, dear guest column aficionados, you now understand my dilemma regarding when to buy a new iPhone. At this moment in time, I am strongly considering springing for those Bruce shows and purchasing the iPhone 23. I’m not especially anxious to undergo implant surgery and I still like the feel of a physical phone in my coat pocket. I should mention, as well, that I have been assured that Apple will guarantee, for a minimum 30 weeks, network compatibility with all models of phones.

Cost, of course, will weigh heavily into my final decision. Projected price points on various models (these are estimates from people in the know) are as follows:

iPhone 15: $1,250.

iPhone 18: $1,800.

iPhone 23: $6,700.

iPhone 27: $14,600.

iPhone 30: $38,750.

Not surprisingly, technological advances are accompanied by rising prices for the consumer. Still, at $6,700, the iPhone 23 could be a real steal. These days, it’s hard to find a decent seat at a Springsteen concert for under $500. Fourteen shows using iBeamEnter should more than cover the cost of the phone.

But they better be good seats.

Gene Stamell remains frustrated with his iPhone 8 in Leverett. He can be reached at gstamell@gmail.com. 

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