Letter: Modern Christmas

Snow White, awakened from her summer nap summoned her “Trusty Seven,” Grumpy, Sleepy, Happy, Dopey Sneezy, Daizy and Crazy to make gifts for all the children of the world. Dominic the Brown-Nosed Reindeer, leader and loadmaster, was at her side. Snow White’s domestic partner, Suzan, was preparing Eggbeater veggie-omelets, tofu toast and decaffeinated water as a wake up breakfast.

After breakfast is eaten, the toys, acceptable songs and proper menus for this year’s Mid Winter Holiday will be laid out. Times having changed, gender bias gifts will be eliminated. Children’s gifts should contain bananas, condoms, global warming propaganda, a Peta Magazine subscription, and the History of Monkey Man, i.e. evolution as opposed to creationism.

Proper men’s gifts will be shoulder bags, earrings and barrettes, or the likes thereof.

Women’s gifts will be cargo pants, combat boots, multi-tool kits, etc.

Traditional Mid Winter Holiday songs will be replaced with songs sung by Lady Gaga, Eminem and everyone’s favorite, Jane Fonda.

Menus will contain no meats, sugared drinks, desserts or candies. Weed should be served as an appetizer to make the meal more palatable.

Snow White’s “Trusty Seven” sat silently not daring to respond. Grumpy was too frightened to complain, Sleepy slept, Happy wore a frown, Dopey was oblivious, Sneezy had his nose in his armpit and Daizy and Crazy were tap dancing through the tulips. Dominic was holding his usual Napoleonic pose.

Fast forward to Holiday morning; With a Wagon load of gifts, Snow White was at the helm, the “Trusty Seven” strapped in and Dominic’s brown nose shining brightly Snow White hollered out: “On Grumpy, On Sleepy, Happy and Dopey, On Sneezy, Daizy and my favorite Crazy. We have gifts to deliver this Holiday Morn, down with tradition, diversity is born.”

“Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.”


Wendell Depot

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