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Tying up loose ends

Closing the book on campaign tales

Final notes from the post-campaign trail ...

WASHINGTON: Since the iMind produced no positive results in the election, workers at Romney’s former campaign office returned the device to Apple. Popularly known as the iCheney, the iMind, contained the downloaded consciousness of former Vice-President Dick Cheney.

After clearing the hard drive, Apple said it tried downloading the thoughts of U.S. Rep. Michele Bachman of Minnesota and Gov. Rick Perry of Texas into the iMind. “But after several attempts, the iMind was empty each time,” said an Apple spokesman, who claims the company continues to have confidence in the device.

Ex-vice presidential candidate and U.S. Rep. Paul Ryan of Wisconsin offered his mind for downloading, but the Apple spokesman said Ryan’s 19th-century consciousness was incompatible with a 21st-century device.

MONTREAT, N.C.: When the Rev. Billy Graham was informed of Romney’s defeat in the presidential election, the 94 year-old evangelist, who endorsed Romney, said, “Huh.” His son, Franklin Graham, called Romney to offer condolences, but Romney denied he had run for the presidency. “I would never do such a thing,” he told Graham.

BOSTON: Soon-to-be-former-Sen. Scott Brown was seen driving his pickup, newly painted purple, into a Bentley dealership in Wayland, Mass. “I don’t need the truck,” Brown said when a reporter caught up with him on Newbury Street, parking his new Bentley GT V8 Continental. “I didn’t get much in trade, but if John Kerry gets a plush appointment from Obama, I’d like to run for his seat and I’ll need a car befitting my status as a man worth millions.”

Brown replied to a question about the source of his wealth, “It’s from the Koch brothers and friends, in appreciation of my past and, hopefully future work in their interest.”

Asked if he expected donations from Romney, Brown said, “Who?”

In response to rumors he was considering joining the Democratic Party, Brown smiled. Pressed on the matter, he said, “If I switched parties, Mike Capuano would beat me for the seat in the primaries. Then where would I be?”

WASHINGTON: Former President Clinton and former CIA Director Petraeus were seen leaving an exclusive Georgetown restaurant last night. Asked if they had been discussing how to resuscitate a political career in the wake of sexual scandal, both men laughed and tapped their cigars. The ashes fell to the ground as the smoke from their exhales rose above them.

Newt Gingrich, informed of the Clinton-Petraeus meeting, clucked his tongue and said, “Men who fool around with other men’s wives are reprehensible. I’ve always fooled around with single women. My wives would have divorced me much sooner had I messed around with married women.”

WOLFBORO, N.H.: Phoebe Wakefield, of Greenfield, Mass., reports that while visiting friends at Lake Winnipesaukee, she saw former presidential candidate Mitt Romney in a hardware store. He was looking in bewilderment at tools displayed on several counters. He picked up a hammer by the head and holding it with the end of the handle facing the clerk, asked, “What kind of ammo does it take? I’m a hunter, you know.” Running his left hand over a package of screwdrivers, he shook his head, as if in wonder. “I didn’t realize people still needed ice picks.”

“It’s a hammer and screwdrivers,” the clerk said. “People use them to make things.”

Romney laughed. “Making things is outdated. America doesn’t need to make things. I bought companies all over the country that make things. I closed them down and had things made in China. All I need to make is money.”

Ms. Wakefield said Romney wandered through the store for several more minutes, picking things up and shaking his head as he turned them over in his hands. “He seemed confused, as if out of his element. When he left the clerk asked me who he was. I said, ‘Mitt Romney.’ ‘Didn’t he do something in politics?’ the clerk asked. ‘Not much,’” Ms. Wakefield said.

NEW YORK: Carl Rove announced that he and U.S. Rep. Allen West of Florida, who defeated for re-election, are forming Shadow America, an unofficial watchdog that will keep eyes on the president and Congress to ensure they act in accord with Republican values, principles and policies. Upon hearing the news, President Obama was taken from the Oval Office to recover from a laughing fit.

BELMONT, Mass.: Confidential sources say that former presidential hopeful Mitt Romney was admitted to Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center with unspecified injuries, incurred when he dove into his money bin, crying, “I love to dive around in it like a porpoise, burrow through it like a gopher and toss it up and let it hit me on the head!”

Wilson Roberts retired from GCC in 2001. He is a novelist and mediator. He is a former president of the Greenfield Town Council and lives in Greenfield.

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